somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
