did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My vagina just recognized that song.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
