Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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