Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
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Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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