Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Less talking, more tequila
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
