I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
