They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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