I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
