her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
