Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
