I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
