This is not my ceiling
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
