Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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