Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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