I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
