I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
