i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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