So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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