The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It was confusing and full of hummus
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
