I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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