The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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