i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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