I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
