I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
