I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
