what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
