i need an iv and a liver transplant
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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