I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
