Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
