Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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