I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
