He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
