the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
