Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
