The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
