i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
