3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
