I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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