We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
