I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
