That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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