we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
