it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
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the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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