My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
