I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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