I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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