make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
