So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
