So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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