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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
