I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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