it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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