I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
