She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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