My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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