I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this will be a night to untag.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
