Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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