i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
