I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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